Press credentials

I have never killed a high school principal. I've never had a baby in a car or stolen billions of dollars from unsuspecting shareholders. Hell, to be honest, most mornings I even wake up without Bradley Cooper in my bed. Well let me tell you Wall Street Journal (or Globe, whoever pays attention first), you have missed ALOT of newsworthy headline opportunities over the years so I am going to go ahead and do your job for you:

-Teenager Convinces Parents that Drinking Not A Factor when Falling in Muddle of Pudd
-College Sophomore Wakes Up Behind Dumpster Wearing Pizza Boxes and a Shoe
-New Mother, Angry at Meddling Mother-In-Law, Fires Breast Milk Between Her Eyes
-Woman Claims Young Son Part of "Make-A-Wish"to Scam a Free Family Boat Ride
-Mother, Desperately Seeking Solace at Beach, Pees on Teenager Clinging to Her Back
-Promising Sales Executive Convinces Blind Client to Purchase Custom Designed Packaging
-Woman Exploits Sister, A Breast Cancer Survivor, to Avoid Long Wait at Houston's

So perhaps someday I'll do something really profound like convince the Treasury Department to replace "In God We Trust" with Fergie's advice: "If you aint got no money take your broke ass home". I could be the first woman to marry a daffodil or lovingly place my children on Angelina Jolie's doorstop then run away. Maybe Ill even find a way to convince all humans that wearing Gladiator sandals if you have kankles is just plain cruel.

All I'm saying is when I finally get my "press credentials", its gonna be good reading.