As the NFL season is drawing to an end I have reached a solid conclusion. If you're gonna play in the big league you can't be a Chuck, Les, Bruno, Zachary, Tobias, Warren, or Bruno. In fact you can't be Clifford, Simon, Wayne, Jasper, Ellis, Burton or even Grant. If your name is Josh, Derrick or Duke you might have a fighting chance if you have an inside track. Hermans need not apply. Not a one on the roster.
The secret to the NFL baby-naming sauce is to choose an adjective and slap it on that new baby. Here are some solid samples: Barkevious Mingo, Latavius Murry, Jarius Wright, Demarvius Thomas, and my personal favorite, Lardarius Webb. Now I am sure Lardarius' momma is a very sweet lady. But I struggle to imagine the moment she looked down at that little bundle and said "Yep, thats my Little Lardarius".
Adjectives as baby names are not for all players. If you would prefer to name your future linebacker a noun the options are endless. Consider Marquesse, Valarian, Darqueze, Martavis, Charcandrick, Jadaveon, and Cordarrelle. Be prepared to teach him to say "Exactly like it sounds" when asked how to spell his name by school teachers. This will put him in a position of power very early in his childhood.
So if you are about to name your little NFLer say, Victor, consider instead the league's very first Victorius. It's one step closer to the roster.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Monday, January 2, 2017
Tip of the Iceberg
After consuming a lovely sushi dinner with Bonnie and Aaron we settled in for a little couch session. Green Bay is playing Detroit while we admire the VIVID setting on our new 4K TV. Now in 4K everything is vastly clearer than in HD. 4K makes you want to touch the screen. I mean, you shouldn't but that doesn't mean you don't still want to. So the conversation goes something like this:
Bon: Look at how glittery the helmets are in 4K!
Aaron: I know! Makes me what to lick them.
Bon: Laughs (in a fearful yet supportive way that only Bonnie can pull off)
Aaron: That's how babies learn, by putting things in their mouths. Still stands with me. Why is it so wrong to want to learn more about helmets by licking them? I also wanted to lick the poles on carousels when I was little.
At this point I'm feeling kinda bad because 25 years later I now learn that I should have let him lick a little more when he was an infant. Another oops in my mad motherhood skills.
Me: What else do you feel the primal need to do that might offend someone?
Aaron: Sometimes I need to rub someone else's head. Bald ones especially. But people don't always like that.
Me: Well Aaron, I hope you'll forgive me for setting a couple of limits in your formative years. Is this unrequited tactile need the tip of the iceberg? Or tip of the penis I should say since icebergs are melting?
Aaron: My want to touch bald heads is not the tip of the penis. I'm down to the frenulum on this one. I have always wanted to use the word frenulum in a sentence and I've done it twice in one night. Three times if you add that last sentence.
Happy New Year to all 5 of my subscribers. The Couch is off to a pretty good start.
After consuming a lovely sushi dinner with Bonnie and Aaron we settled in for a little couch session. Green Bay is playing Detroit while we admire the VIVID setting on our new 4K TV. Now in 4K everything is vastly clearer than in HD. 4K makes you want to touch the screen. I mean, you shouldn't but that doesn't mean you don't still want to. So the conversation goes something like this:
Bon: Look at how glittery the helmets are in 4K!
Aaron: I know! Makes me what to lick them.
Bon: Laughs (in a fearful yet supportive way that only Bonnie can pull off)
Aaron: That's how babies learn, by putting things in their mouths. Still stands with me. Why is it so wrong to want to learn more about helmets by licking them? I also wanted to lick the poles on carousels when I was little.
At this point I'm feeling kinda bad because 25 years later I now learn that I should have let him lick a little more when he was an infant. Another oops in my mad motherhood skills.
Me: What else do you feel the primal need to do that might offend someone?
Aaron: Sometimes I need to rub someone else's head. Bald ones especially. But people don't always like that.
Me: Well Aaron, I hope you'll forgive me for setting a couple of limits in your formative years. Is this unrequited tactile need the tip of the iceberg? Or tip of the penis I should say since icebergs are melting?
Aaron: My want to touch bald heads is not the tip of the penis. I'm down to the frenulum on this one. I have always wanted to use the word frenulum in a sentence and I've done it twice in one night. Three times if you add that last sentence.
Happy New Year to all 5 of my subscribers. The Couch is off to a pretty good start.
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