As the NFL season is drawing to an end I have reached a solid conclusion. If you're gonna play in the big league you can't be a Chuck, Les, Bruno, Zachary, Tobias, Warren, or Bruno. In fact you can't be Clifford, Simon, Wayne, Jasper, Ellis, Burton or even Grant. If your name is Josh, Derrick or Duke you might have a fighting chance if you have an inside track. Hermans need not apply. Not a one on the roster.
The secret to the NFL baby-naming sauce is to choose an adjective and slap it on that new baby. Here are some solid samples: Barkevious Mingo, Latavius Murry, Jarius Wright, Demarvius Thomas, and my personal favorite, Lardarius Webb. Now I am sure Lardarius' momma is a very sweet lady. But I struggle to imagine the moment she looked down at that little bundle and said "Yep, thats my Little Lardarius".
Adjectives as baby names are not for all players. If you would prefer to name your future linebacker a noun the options are endless. Consider Marquesse, Valarian, Darqueze, Martavis, Charcandrick, Jadaveon, and Cordarrelle. Be prepared to teach him to say "Exactly like it sounds" when asked how to spell his name by school teachers. This will put him in a position of power very early in his childhood.
So if you are about to name your little NFLer say, Victor, consider instead the league's very first Victorius. It's one step closer to the roster.
And please, dear parents, have higher aspirations for your children other than playing in the NFL.
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