Surviving Survival Mode

So its been a minute or two since I self published. I reckon this is a good a time as any to chat about random feelings.

First and foremost, during COVID-19, I'm both jealous and grateful that Defenseless Littles aren't trapped alongside me. I LOVED being a full time Mom. But they eat. A lot. And they want. As Brandon used to ask "After the park whats our paid- for activity?"

Truth be told my kids were literally raised in the woods; free rangers with air soft pellet guns, a handful of loyal friends, and a cat named Carmella who followed each and every step along the way.
If you look out your window and see woods send your kids out to explore. Trust me when I assure you that they will come back. Strangers will not abduct your kids. Nobody wants them.

Being trapped with me is no bargain.  My poor man is trapped with a wife who has absolutely no use for creative cuisine.  I like what I like, and that's not much. I can (and have) lived on rotisserie chicken and Caesar salad. I need nothing more. So while Tim is glowingly presenting his chutney of the day, I prefer simpler choices, like do I use Kerrygold or LandOLakes butter on my broccoli.

Our only cat, Cricket, has moved beyond spoiled and entitled to a full blown whore. She stays only where she is immediately rewarded with praise, food, or pets. And if she is with me she gives Tim that smug "FU" look.

And we are only in week 1.

They Named That Baby What?

As the NFL season is drawing to an end I have reached a solid conclusion. If you're gonna play in the big league you can't be a Chuck, Les, Bruno, Zachary, Tobias, Warren, or Bruno. In fact you can't be Clifford, Simon, Wayne, Jasper, Ellis, Burton or even Grant. If your name is Josh, Derrick or Duke you might have a fighting chance if you have an inside track.  Hermans need not apply. Not a one on the roster.

The secret to the NFL baby-naming sauce is to choose an adjective and slap it on that new baby. Here are some solid samples: Barkevious Mingo,  Latavius Murry, Jarius Wright, Demarvius Thomas, and my personal favorite, Lardarius Webb. Now I am sure Lardarius' momma is a very sweet lady. But I struggle to imagine the moment she looked down at that little bundle and said "Yep, thats my Little Lardarius".

Adjectives as baby names are not for all players. If you would prefer to name your future linebacker a noun the options are endless. Consider Marquesse, Valarian, Darqueze, Martavis, Charcandrick, Jadaveon, and Cordarrelle.   Be prepared to teach him to say "Exactly like it sounds" when asked how to spell his name by school teachers. This will put him in a position of power very early in his childhood.

So if you are about to name your little NFLer say, Victor, consider instead the league's very first Victorius. It's one step closer to the roster.

Tip of the Iceberg

After consuming a lovely sushi dinner with Bonnie and Aaron we settled in for a little couch session. Green Bay is playing Detroit while we admire the VIVID setting on our new 4K TV. Now in 4K everything is vastly clearer than in HD. 4K makes you want to touch the screen. I mean, you shouldn't but that doesn't mean you don't still want to. So the conversation goes something like this:

Bon: Look at how glittery the helmets are in 4K!

Aaron: I know! Makes me what to lick them.

Bon: Laughs (in a fearful yet supportive way that only Bonnie can pull off)                                    

Aaron: That's how babies learn, by putting things in their mouths. Still stands with me. Why is it so wrong to want to learn more about helmets by licking them? I also wanted to lick the poles on carousels when I was little.

At this point I'm feeling kinda bad because 25 years later I now learn that I should have let him lick a little more when he was an infant. Another oops in my mad motherhood skills.

Me: What else do you feel the primal need to do that might offend someone?

Aaron: Sometimes I need to rub someone else's head. Bald ones especially. But people don't always like that.

Me: Well Aaron, I hope you'll forgive me for setting a couple of limits in your formative years. Is this unrequited tactile need the tip of the iceberg? Or tip of the penis I should say since icebergs are melting?

Aaron: My want to touch bald heads is not the tip of the penis. I'm down to the frenulum on this one.  I have always wanted to use the word frenulum in a sentence and I've done it twice in one night. Three times if you add that last sentence.

Happy New Year to all 5 of my subscribers. The Couch is off to a pretty good start.

2017 Out and In List

OUT                                                             IN

My right arm                                                Sexy immobilizer
The gym                                                       Old Country Buffet
Thongs                                                         Diapers
Double IPAs                                                 Edibles
Trail rides                                                     Trail mix
Makeup                                                        Photoshop
Dignity                                                         Bestie Dependency
Cognitive Therapy                                       Physical Therapy
Zippers                                                         Elastic
Driving                                                         Slogging
Waxing my armpits                                      Braiding my armpits
Sleeping on my stomach                              Sleeping like the Elephant Man



                                                                                                 
                                          

Press credentials

I have never killed a high school principal. I've never had a baby in a car or stolen billions of dollars from unsuspecting shareholders. Hell, to be honest, most mornings I even wake up without Bradley Cooper in my bed. Well let me tell you Wall Street Journal (or Globe, whoever pays attention first), you have missed ALOT of newsworthy headline opportunities over the years so I am going to go ahead and do your job for you:

-Teenager Convinces Parents that Drinking Not A Factor when Falling in Muddle of Pudd
-College Sophomore Wakes Up Behind Dumpster Wearing Pizza Boxes and a Shoe
-New Mother, Angry at Meddling Mother-In-Law, Fires Breast Milk Between Her Eyes
-Woman Claims Young Son Part of "Make-A-Wish"to Scam a Free Family Boat Ride
-Mother, Desperately Seeking Solace at Beach, Pees on Teenager Clinging to Her Back
-Promising Sales Executive Convinces Blind Client to Purchase Custom Designed Packaging
-Woman Exploits Sister, A Breast Cancer Survivor, to Avoid Long Wait at Houston's

So perhaps someday I'll do something really profound like convince the Treasury Department to replace "In God We Trust" with Fergie's advice: "If you aint got no money take your broke ass home". I could be the first woman to marry a daffodil or lovingly place my children on Angelina Jolie's doorstop then run away. Maybe Ill even find a way to convince all humans that wearing Gladiator sandals if you have kankles is just plain cruel.

All I'm saying is when I finally get my "press credentials", its gonna be good reading.